Healing from Toxic Theology

Day 1 of 6: Introduction

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now, we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:11-12 (NRSV)

As a child and teenager, my understanding of God was incredibly narrow. The God I worshipped claimed to love everyone, but would condemn the LGBTQIA+ community, non-Christians and even Christians (who had the misfortune of belonging to the “wrong” church) to Hell. The God I grew up believing in also had a long list of rules: no makeup, no listening to secular music, no going to movie theatres, women needed to wear skirts when out in public, no tattoos, etc. Breaking the rules was viewed not only as being disobedient to this specific church/denomination, but it was tantamount to rebelling against God.

I grew up afraid of God. God was both a loving Father, but also a strict disciplinarian. I was told repeatedly that as a human being, I was a broken sinner whose natural inclination was to disobey. As a result, I, like every other human being, deserved to burn in Hell. The only thing saving me from such a fate was acknowledging and accepting Jesus’ violent death on the cross and Jesus’ resurrection.

Of course, verbally accepting Jesus Christ as my savior was not enough. I could always “lose” my salvation and risk eternal damnation if I strayed from this particular image of God. Although I rejected this theology in my late teens after coming out as bisexual, I continue to struggle with aspects of this theology. The fear, the shame, the striving to be perfect, has had negative ramifications on my life, amplifying my struggles with depression and negatively impacting my relationship with God and with other people.

To be sure, my childhood understanding of God did serve a purpose. It provided me with a measure of certainty that I desperately needed: If I behaved correctly and believed the right things, God’s love and presence were assured. Growing up in an emotionally abusive household in a low-income neighborhood, surrounded by poverty and structural violence, I was desperate for a measure of stability. My childhood understanding of God met this need for constancy and support.

But eventually, the theology that had been a safe security blanket turned into a heavy anchor that made living both an emotionally healthy life difficult. In order to grow, I needed to completely rethink my understanding of God and what it means to be a Christian. I needed to let go of certainty and embrace a God that was more expansive, more inclusive, than I had believed. This was both freeing and scary.

Reflection: What ideas/images of God are you holding onto that you know are harmful, but you continue to cling to? Why do you continue to hold onto these ideas/images? How have these ideas/images provided you with the tools to temporarily survive? How have these ideas/images inhibited your ability to grow?

Naiomi Gonzalez

Day 1 of 6: Introduction

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