God’s Parenting Skills by Mel Kulenski

God’s Parenting Skills

**—Mel Kulenski**

Day 1 of 3: God Co-Regulates, Not Behaviorally Manipulates

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
—2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)

Many of us are familiar with their version of God: The conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical one. We can define him—it’s only ever a “him”—well. He’s hateful but loving. (Supposedly.) He’s a kind parent, but also basically abusive. He cares about everyone, but only conditionally. Doublethink to the max, a divine paradox… except paradoxes are actually interesting.

Similar to how many of us were parented by our elders, he manipulates his “children” through reward (eternal life) and punishment (hell). Only allowing a conversational one-way street steered by his haughty hands, he sneers at which arbitrary behavior annoys him; never seeking out root causes or prioritizing mutual connection. He neglects to notice how so-called behavioral “sins” have sources: systemic issues, stressful settings, sensory needs, and sensitive neuroceptions.

He yells when we misstep and spanks us when we disobey. He name-calls us things like Apostate, backslidden, lukewarm, or simply “lazy.” Time-outs are issued through community ex-communications or banishments from the worship team. He’s slow to listen. Quick to speak. Swift to anger.

But I dare to say that God is a God of co-regulation. In the context of family systems, co-regulation is the supportive, relational process through which an adult compassionately helps a young person emotionally regulate – something which can only be successfully achieved if the adult themselves is safe, calm, and self-regulated. Stress begets stress. Abuse begets abuse. But God does better: A divine ripple effect of eschatological proportions, God prioritizes co-regulating with humanity through universal love. Love that frees us to truly do unto others.

In all Her self-regulated glory, the Lord is comforting, consistent, compassionate, and connective. Responsive, not reactive. Healthy boundaries, not punishment. God sees our little dysregulated nervous systems—awry from the ways of this weary world—and reaches for intimacy. She both spares the rod AND spoils us. She speaks to us with dignity and respect, not patronizing, childist paternalism. God understands that humanity may universally have moments of anger, anxiety, and sadness. Perhaps even defiance or disruptiveness. She validates it all. And? She’s always serenely self-regulated, ready to take us into Her arms to bring us back to peaceful homeostasis.

No punishments necessary. Just love.

Reflect on ways that your own parents or caregivers implicitly taught you that the default of parenting – by God and/or by human beings – was punishment. Re-imagine what both paradigms could look like if co-regulation was universally prioritized instead… in this life and the next.

Day 1 of 3: God Co-Regulates, Not Behaviorally Manipulates

Start reading this 3-day devotional in the app. Find it on the Featured shelf.