Loneliness, Mental Health, and Listening to Our Emotions

Day 1 of 4: Loneliness vs. Solitude

“God said, ‘It’s not good for the man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.’”
-Genesis 2:18

Human connection — whether sipping coffee across the table from a person, crossing a finish line hand-in-hand with someone, or even just the simple act of being able to sit in silence accompanied by another — has always been one of those things that put the color in my life.

Maybe that’s why I decided to become a therapist. Something about the viscerally common experience of fighting against your own mind or trying to navigate relationships with other equally complex and nuanced people just calls out to me, especially given my own experiences with both mental illness and relational dysfunction. But (at the time of this writing at least) COVID-19 has made it even more difficult to traverse the fog of loneliness that has descended upon many of us as social distancing has become the new and necessary norm to protect ourselves and each other. Sure, we may have all types of ways to stay in touch with each other virtually, but there’s something different about being with people in person (backed up by science), and — like God said in Genesis — humans were never created to be alone.

From before even the beginning of time, relationships and community have been one of the very few constants. Even when you consider the relationships between the three Persons of God, you realize that even God does not exist alone and that They have been together in community forever. So, it only makes sense that one part of the imago Dei that has been imprinted on humanity is a desire and longing to exist in community.

If even God has always existed in community, who are we to think that we were meant to make it all by ourselves? And yet, especially within the confines of western culture, we are often presented with conflicting messages about whether or not it’s good to be alone. Going at it alone through hard times? Good; it makes you strong. Having dinner or going to a movie alone? Sad; don’t they have any friends? To me, this boils down to a fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between loneliness and solitude.

White Barbel For Men Themes Instagram Post (4).png

I think most of us know what loneliness feels like, and that’s because it’s a normal feeling and normal experience to have as a human being created for community. It often feels sad and is associated with darkness, as well as either wide open or tightly enclosed spaces. Loneliness can also often be characterized by a sense of longing for the company of others or the converse feeling of being unwanted.

Loneliness is pretty much always a negative feeling, but that doesn’t mean that the state of being alone is always negative. Think about times that you’ve been upset and just wanted some time to sit with your feelings. Or think about times that stress has made you just want to disappear into the mountains to collect your thoughts. Those circumstances likely don’t necessarily feel lonely, even though what you’re craving or seeking is to be alone. And that’s the difference between loneliness and solitude that often gets lost.

Solitude, to me, holds more positive connotations to being alone, and I think that’s because in my mind solitude is (at least in part) an intentional period of being alone. Rather than feeling as though we’ve been abandoned by those close to us or there’s no one around when we want them to be, solitude is a conscious stepping away from others in order to center ourselves, get in tune with our inner selves, and also commune with God more deeply at times. Throughout the Gospels, this is something that Jesus models for us, often taking the form of retreating to the mountains or a garden to pray. In His case, these were intentional times of stepping away from other people in order to get in touch with his true and inner self, which just happened to be God, but this is a practice that we can use in our own lives as well. Some might call it meditation. Some might call it mindfulness.

Whatever you may choose to call it, taking time away from others in solitude is a practice that not enough people become comfortable with for a variety of reasons. Perhaps it feels boring or uncomfortable to slow down and do things by yourself. Perhaps stepping away from the busyness and noise of life is something scary because of a realization that you might actually be deeply uncomfortable sitting alone with just your inner self. The reasons are valid, whatever they may be, and at the same time, it’s always beneficial to sit with those questions and wonderings to start putting together the pieces of why it may feel difficult or even impossible to sit in solitude.

Some of these are things we’ll talk more about in the next few days, but for today, I’d like to leave you with this encouragement: As you lean more into practicing solitude and becoming more comfortable with yourself, you may also find that your sense of loneliness will begin to gradually shift.

God,
Thank you for the gift of community and relationships, even if they may be hard and cause us pain from time to time. As we go about leaning into solitude and sitting with loneliness this week, I pray that You would help us slow down, breathe more deeply, and become more in touch with ourselves and with You. Thank You for always being here, even in the depths of our own experiences of loneliness.

Jonah Venegas

Day 1 of 4: Loneliness vs. Solitude

Start reading this 4-day devotional in the app. Find it on the Featured shelf.