Journey to Self-Discovery by Joni McLeod

Day 1 of 5: My Story

“You can go slow. Allow your dreams and goals to change, but live an intentional life.”
-Kumail Nanjiani

I find it ironically beautiful to be writing for an app that has the word “Bible” in it considering the journey of deconstruction, coming out, and self-acceptance that I have been on in the last five years. I would love to share with you my story of self-discovery and deconstruction in hopes that it would inspire and encourage you to find freedom in discovering yourself. My journey is not perfect nor is it a one-size-fits-all, however, a pillar of my own belief system is that human connection is necessary in life. It is my hope that my 5-day devotional series will inspire more human connection and self-discovery for you wherever you are on your own journey.

Five years ago this month, I was living across the world, working for a Christian Missions Organization. I grew up a pastor’s kid and was heavily involved in the mission’s movement. However, the older I got, the less I was able to resist my sexuality. I am a woman who happens to be attracted to other women. Growing up in the home and culture I grew up in, I knew this was considered a problem and so I did everything possible to avoid it. I over-worked myself in every aspect of life because it kept me busy enough to forget my truth: I am queer. A huge part of me abandoning my sexuality (which spoiler alert: it was a form of abandoning my own self) was literally running away. After graduating from an Evangelical college in 2016, I moved to the other side of the world. My time in India was marked by a lot of loneliness, some depression, and even some trauma. However, what I wasn’t expecting, was that it would also lead me to my deconstruction process. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to ask big, difficult questions about my faith and myself. I eventually ended my contract with the mission’s organization early for many reasons, but the main one being that I no longer felt that the mission’s movement from the western church was ethical.

This began a many years-long self-discovery process. I worked with professional therapists, confided in only a few trusted friends, and intentionally set out on a journey of self-discovery for the first time in my life. Some of the questions I found myself asking during this time were: - What is no longer serving me anymore? - What could serve me in helpful ways that I am not currently practicing? - What do I believe both about my own life and life in general? - What do I want for my life? - How does being queer impact my way of life?

I will be addressing each of these questions in the next four days. These can be big, overwhelming questions. However, the answers led me to the most beautifully intentional life.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the answers were scary for me. When I asked myself what was no longer serving me anymore, I realized that the answer was the church. I grew up going to church at least three times a week. I was a state Bible Quiz champion. I attended a small Christian school where we were required to take Bible classes and attend weekly chapel services. In other words, I was a church girl through and through. However, I had never taken the time to sit down and process the pain that the church had caused me in my life. Once I started processing this pain in therapy, I realized that I could no longer be a part of a place that represented so much trauma to me, at least while I was attempting to actively heal from it. I was shocked to find that leaving church behind me was one of the most compassionate decisions I could make for myself. While I believe that the church still serves many wonderful purposes for many people, I found freedom in knowing that I no longer needed to serve an institution that I could not find peace in any longer. If you ask yourself the same questions I did, I imagine you would most likely find different answers. However, the importance is not only in the answer itself, instead, it is in the journey of learning to trust ourselves with such big questions.

Over the next four days, I hope you will follow along the journey of self-discovery with me. I would urge you to read the meditations I am including in my posts and meditate on the words with me. I encourage you to make these meditations your own. Change the words all-together if needed. For me, I find it most helpful to meditate on words and then journal about them. I hope you find beauty in the process with me.

Today, I will not shy away from the difficult questions. I will be intentional about answering them even when it is scary. I recognize that my answers may change over time and that is good because evolving is a wonderful part of the human experience. I choose to be proud of not only who I am, but who I am becoming. I choose to not run away from the heartaches of the world while also holding a space for my own journey. Today, I choose me because I am worthy of love.

Day 1 of 5: My Story

Finish reading this 5 day devotional in the app. Find it on the Featured shelf.