An Unencumbered Union by Alysia Green

Day 1 of 5: Selfish Single — Jesus Is Not My Boyfriend

“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain unmarried as I am. But if they are not practicing self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.”
1 Corinthians 7:8, 9 (NRSV)

“And the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 7:34, 35 (NRSV)

A teacher once told me: “High school is the time to be selfish.” By selfish, she meant high-schoolers need to focus on self inventory; invest in their gifts, grow in self-love, and develop healthy ways to address areas in need of pruning.

Similarly, singleness is a time of selfishness.

Although the phrase “Jesus is my significant other” may be aggravating to single people like myself, I acknowledge that singleness is an opportunity to focus on cultivating a relationship with God without the aspects that divide the time of a married person. But it is an opportunity.

Single people too are busy.

The “Jesus is my significant other” metaphor breaks down because a relationship with God is more than a just placeholder for a romantic relationship. In his advice in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul advises the church to view marriage as mutual devotion and a solution to being “aflame with passion.” Although the early church differs from our modern context, Paul is honest about sexual desire and that some single people should marry while others should devote themselves to ministry.

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The first time I saw a single person living like Paul was when a Black female pastor visited my church when I was a kid. In her testimony, she spoke about how she desired to be married and have children, but felt the Lord calling her to travel internationally to spread the gospel. She did not deny her desires or ignore the expectations she had for her life that differed from what she was doing. She did, however, rejoice in the love she shared with her community and the peace she had with her new vocation.

In my current selfish singleness, I have started to realize that my relationship timeline is something I have little control over. With academic goals, you choose when to start, work hard, and then get the degree. But in relationships, you can do the work to find a mate or even the work within the relationship, and you still might not see the fruits of your labor. You can even pray for a mate and still find yourself single (which is something the Ciara/Russell Wilson prayer proponents won’t always tell you). Praying is not formulaic. We have to hold Matthew 7:7 — Ask, and it will be given you alongside experience.

In the chapter “Bag Lady” in Eloquent Rage by Brittney Cooper, Cooper writes about trading in one kind of Black woman statistic for another. Instead of being a part of the Black, pregnant teenager statistic, she was part of the statistic of many professional, unmarried Black women. I hope marriage will be a part of my timeline, but I could easily count in this statistic. Cooper affirms my fears about love.

I love the experience of falling in love. My professor once described it as skydiving with someone. Mutual presence, exhilaration — all the breathtaking aspects of falling. If a breakup is hitting the ground with a plop, then singleness is skidding on the dirt unsure of when you will finally find your footing.

The timeline is not in our hands. Singleness is a time to be selfish; not solely in preparation for a marriage, but in preparation for the ministry of loving God and loving others in whatever way that presents itself in your life.

God of love,
Love more than romance,
Love more than emotion,
Love as sacrifice and devotion.
Thank you for where I am
Single doesn’t mean alone,
but in my loneliness, comfort me
with your Spirit and with friends.
When my biological clock ticks loudly
show me glimpses of your timeline.
In areas I excel and in areas that need pruning,
give me the strength to depend on You.

Day 1 of 5: Selfish Single — Jesus Is Not My Boyfriend

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