Day 1 of 4: My Humanity
(TW: Religious Trauma)
“In this world you will have trouble.”
John 16:33
According to John 16:33, we should expect trouble in our lives. I grew up regularly hearing sermons preached on this verse, but I still believed that everything I had been through didn’t qualify as trouble or—more specifically—as trauma.
The religious leaders in my life minimized pain and much of the human experience by saying a strong faith was sufficient to deal with it. I was told my reactions were dramatic and that I shouldn’t complain because other people had it worse. “It’s only through the Lord,” they would say, so I felt ashamed to ask for help. If I couldn't seek help, it became necessary to reframe the severity of my experiences in order to cope with them.
And so the cycle of repression established itself.
It wasn’t until my marriage was hanging on by a thread, one of my children was experiencing a mental health crisis, and my body began breaking down that I started to question those narratives about suffering I had so efficiently internalized.
I read Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score and realized trauma was laced throughout most of my life. Dr. van der Kolk explains that trauma is a fact of life. The message of John 16:33 lines up with van der Kolk’s research, but the sermons I’ve heard on the passage weren’t trauma-informed, so they were damaging as a result.
Through Somatic Therapy, I learned the importance of the slow acceptance I was experiencing. If I could acknowledge my trauma, I could begin to move through it. As I surrounded myself with people who understood the importance of not only a trauma-informed perspective, but also a trauma-informed faith, I was able to begin accepting what God could already see. My trouble and pain were real.
The trauma I experienced was always valid to God—always seen, always known, always valued for the depth of its impact. God saw me even when I was taught to dishonestly look at myself.
“She [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me.’"
Genesis 16:13 (NIV)*